The Immediate Urgency for Play and Leisure

In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz shares the following tale:

There was a man who wanted to transcend his suffering so he went to a Buddhist temple to find a Master to help him. He went to the Master and asked, "Master, if I meditate four hours a day, how long will it take me to transcend?" The Master looked at him and said, "If you meditate four hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in ten years."

Thinking he could do better, the man then said, 'Oh Master, what if I meditated eight hours a day, how long will it take me to transcend?" The Master looked at him and said, "If you meditate eight hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in twenty years."

"But why will it take me longer to transcend if I meditate more?" the man asked.

The Master replied, "You are not here to sacrifice your joy or your life. You are here to live, to be happy, and to love. If you can do your best in two hours of meditation, but you spend eight hours instead, you will only grow tired, miss the point, and you won't enjoy your life. Do your best, and perhaps you will learn that no matter how long you meditate, you can live, love, and be happy." (Ruiz, p.77-78)

And yet, I question whether humans are currently too stressed out and too busy to actually enjoy our day-to-day lives---- therefore relegating personal joy to a far distant goal?

I have spent the last seven years of my life in constantly navigating complex stressors, some of which have included the Covid-19 pandemic, isolation, job loss, graduate school, single parent lifestyle, and learning new skills as a mid-life career changer. The stress levels have been off-the-charts, yet, somehow I can track myself back to a place of calm, and even experience some joy regularly (I have found that we can hold space for both sadness and joy in the same time). But I did not get here without trials and tribulations; and much self-healing from complex trauma.

As Ruiz expresses:... most people go to work every day just thinking of payday, and the money they will get from the work they are doing. They can hardly wait for Friday or Saturday, whatever day they receive their money and can take time off. They are working for the reward, and as a result they resist work. They try to avoid the action and it becomes more difficult, and they don't do their best.

They work so hard all week long, suffering the work, suffering the action, not because they like to, but because they fell they have to. They have to work because they have to pay the rent, they have to support their family. They all have frustration, and when they do receive their money they are unhappy. They have two days to rest, to do what they want to do, and what do tey do? They try to escape. They get drunk because they don't like themselves. They don't like their life. There are many ways like that we hurt ourselves when we don't like who we are." (Ruiz, p.79-80)

Moving away from the conditioning of societal norms for what a good life should be, I decided to take the road less traveled. The more I indulged in play, leisure, meditative, nature, and creative practices for my healing, I was amazed at how my body and mind de-conditioned and released long-held trauma and pain. Contrary to what my clinical training taught me, I realized play therapy is not just for children. It is an amazing healing source for adults as well, especially the parentified children* who grew up disconnected from their inner child.

My phenomenological experience and my clinical mental health work with clients inspired me to create and facilitate art, nature, play and mindfulness infused workshops for individuals and groups. One remarkable observation that I made was that despite any initial trepidation of entering these workshop spaces, the participants almost always left with a spark in their eyes that informed me that they had indeed connected with their own potential. This was "flow"** state at its optimum level--- where stress, doubt, fear leaves the mind and allows for ventral vagal level activity to enhance the human experience. It also allows for neuroplasticity and deeper self-connection.

One thing I realized (as I built up my own toolkit for resilience, emotional regulation, and a secure attachment to my self-)--- nothing can take away our inner joy once we have an awareness of it, and the skills to nurture it. It feels important to extend this awareness beyond my own journey — into workplaces, creative spaces, and personal lives where it can take root and grow.

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*Parentified children: Parentification is a role-reversal where children are forced to act as caregivers or emotional supporters for their parents or siblings, often due to parental incapacity, neglect, or dysfunction. This developmentally inappropriate burden, which can be instrumental (tasks) or emotional (confidant), often causes long-term emotional, social, and psychological issues for the child

Effects on Adults

Adults who were parentified often carry deep, long-lasting consequences, such as:

• Perfectionism & Over-functioning: A need to overachieve or care for everyone, often leading to burnout.

• Difficulties with Boundaries & Trust: Difficulty trusting others or allowing themselves to be helped, often resulting in hyper-independence.

• Emotional Detachment or Volatility: Difficulty managing their own emotions because they were focused on others.

• Relationship Challenges: A tendency to enter relationships where they act as a caretaker, or struggling with intimacy due to a "disorganized" attachment style. (Source: here)

**Flow: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s Flow Theory defines "flow" as a state of deep, effortless involvement, often referred to as being "in the zone". It is a state of optimal experience where a person is fully immersed in an activity, typically characterized by a balance between the challenge of the task and the individual's skill level. (Source: here)

For more info: Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. Harper & Row. 

Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The four agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom. Amber-Allen Publishing.